


Fuzz Therapy

by machine_dove, Sproings



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexual Steve Rogers, Asexuality, Canon Disabled Character, F/M, Fluff, Kittens, M/M, Non-Serum Steve Rogers/Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes | Shrinkyclinks, Nothing Hurts And Everything Is Kittens, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, SO MUCH FLUFF, literal fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-05 13:03:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6705499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/machine_dove/pseuds/machine_dove, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sproings/pseuds/Sproings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It took a lot to get Bucky out of his apartment these days.  The kittens were a decent enticement, but the smartass volunteer he met at the shelter was an even better incentive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fuzz Therapy

**Author's Note:**

> Because we deserve some pure, unadulterated fluff.

This was the worst idea Bucky had ever had, and he had made some pretty terrible choices in the past, including the ones that had led to him almost bleeding out under a bombed-out humvee.  Sure, it had sounded reasonable enough when Sam brought it up a couple of days ago.  “Animals are almost as good as actual therapy,” he had said.  “My girlfriend Nat runs a shelter.  They train therapy animals too.  You should swing by sometime.”

And he had, eventually, when he was finally able to talk himself into leaving his shithole of an apartment, but the dogs started barking almost as soon as he walked in to the kennel, and the sound echoed off the concrete walls, and the next thing he knew he was coming out of a panic attack in some sort of supply closet.  He wasn’t even sure how he had gotten here, or how long he had been in here, because his phone battery had died at some point.  Lovely.  

Now it was time for the awkward walk of shame where he got to pull his ball cap down low and avoid everyone’s eyes while he slunk out of the building and never came back. Luckily, he hadn’t talked to anyone, so Sam would never know he’d been here.

Except nobody was there.  At all.  The place was dark, his footsteps echoed oddly, and the front door was locked in such a way that he couldn’t get it open without a chainsaw and a blowtorch, and maybe not even then.

He could call someone on the shelter phone, but his phone was dead, and he didn’t have Sam’s phone number memorized.  He could call the cops, but that seemed like a pretty good way to escalate a situation that didn’t need escalating.  Just the thought of it was enough to start the panic rising back up, clawing at his throat and the back of his head.  There was a back door he remembered seeing that might be less securely locked, but to get through it he’d have to run the Gauntlet of Dogs, and that hadn’t worked out so well the first time.  Dogs were the _worst_.

Shit.  _Shit._   He paced back and forth, feeling trapped and restless.  How the fuck did he even wind up in a situation like this?  He could feel his thoughts spiraling out of control, anxiety pressing at the corners of his mind, when a small squeak caught his attention.  

He looked over to one side, where a glass-walled room was full of kittens.  One was pressed up against the wall closest to him, standing on its hind legs like it was trying to reach him.  Bucky crouched down to get closer to its level, and it responded by batting at him through the glass.  It was the cutest goddamned thing he had ever seen in his life, and without quite thinking about what he was doing he found himself opening the door and stepping in.  

The kitten wasted no time, jumping on his leg and climbing up with ruthless determination.  He scooped it up, in part to save his leg, because holy _hell_ it had sharp claws for something so tiny and fluffy.  The kitten, not content just to be tucked up on Bucky’s chest, lifted itself up further so it could rub its head on Bucky’s face, purring madly the entire time.

It gave a squeaky little meow that was apparently some kind of super adorable signal to all the other kittens, because tiny little heads popped up all over the room and charged his way.  Two more kittens were already climbing his pants, and their claws were no less lethal than the first ones had been, and their tiny faces were just as irresistible.

Bucky sank down into the corner.  If he was going to be here for a while he might as well get comfortable.  It also made the climbing less painful, so he wasn’t getting lacerated by quite as many tiny sets of claws.  One of the kittens promptly made itself at home on his chest, curling up and purring, a deep rumbling that relaxed something deep inside Bucky that he’d been holding tight for so long he wasn’t really aware of it anymore.

A second kitten settled into his lap, while two more cuddled together in the crook of his arm, while an orange striped kitten batted at the laces of his boots.

He started petting the one on his lap, slow strokes of its soft fur, over and over and over.  He never even noticed when he fell asleep.

 

* * *

Steve locked the door behind himself as he came in.  The last thing he needed was for someone to come and ransack the place while he was walking dogs.  Natasha was mad at him enough already.

Not that it was any of her business that he had allergies.  He could handle it.  

Maybe volunteering to walk dogs in spite of the way they made his eyes swell up and his nose run hadn’t been his best idea, but she needed the help.  And he’d only had the one asthma attack from it.  He felt a little guilty about how scared she’d looked when she found him passed out in the hallway, but he had recovered just fine, thank you very much.  Anyway, this time he had taken his meds ahead of time, and he was determined to get through this like a professional.  

He did stop to look in on the kittens, though.  He never wanted to be too professional for that, especially since a fluffy little striped one was paddling at the glass like it wanted to dig through it to get to him.  Usually there were several scrabbling at the window.  They got pretty lonely after spending the night with no --

Fuck!

Somebody was curled up on the floor of the kitten room.  Steve hadn’t seen them at first, because there were several kittens draped over their legs and chest.  A very shapely, muscular, well-defined chest, which was definitely not something Steve should be noticing right now, get it together self.  This guy could be a crazed murderer or something.

He didn’t look much like a murderer, what with the kittens and all, but the scruff of beard and the scraggly hair weren’t so reassuring.   Steve tried to run through everything he’d learned in self defense class.  Sam had never mentioned what to do if your would-be attacker was sleeping.  Probably he’d say Steve should run away and call the police.  And tell them what, there’s a guy sleeping with a pile of kittens?  Help, he’s drowning me in adorableness?

Steve shifted his bag up higher on his shoulder and opened the door.

* * *

 

Still half asleep and feeling better rested than he had in months, Bucky could see someone coming out of the corner of his eye.  They cracked the door open and slipped in, smiling down at him. 

“I’m assuming you’re not some sort of kitten thief, since you haven’t escaped with your ill-gotten gains,” he said with a smile.  A _blinding_ smile, fuck, this guy was almost as cute as the kittens.

“I can’t move, they’re sleeping,” Bucky said, still feeling muzzy.  “M’not a thief, I got locked in.  Natasha knows me.” 

“Oh, well, that explains everything then.”  

Bucky was too comfortable draped in kittens to deal with this kind of sass so early in the morning, so he patted the floor next to him, the metal fingers clacking on the linoleum.  Looking surprised, the guy sat down.

“My name’s Bucky.  I’d shake your hand, but kittens.  Sleeping.”

He laughed, a deep, resonant sound that Bucky kind of wanted to hear again, as often as possible.  “I’m Steve, one of the volunteers here.  They won’t attack you if you move, you know.”

Bucky looked scandalized.  “I can’t disturb them!  What kind of monster do you take me for?”

By then, three or four kittens were climbing onto Steve’s lap, and one of them was making its way up his jacket to cuddle his face.  Not that Bucky could blame any of them. Maybe it was because this was the first time in at least a year that he could remember waking up without his heart hammering in his throat and adrenaline thrumming through his veins, but he kind of wanted to do the same.

Steve scooped the kitten off his shoulder and held it against his chest as he looked Bucky over.  “So, you just slept on the floor all night?”

Bucky gave a little shrug, careful not to dislodge the orange ball of fluff curled up on his collarbone.  “I’ve definitely slept in worse places.  Besides, where else am I gonna get a whole line of volunteers to snuggle with me?”

“Um.”  Steve opened his bag and started rummaging around inside, not looking at Bucky, and definitely not volunteering to be his cuddle buddy.  That would be weird.  Even if this guy was really amazingly pretty under that scruff.  “I haven’t started the coffee yet, but I have a granola bar if you want something to eat.”  

That was no good, Bucky wanted him looking, wanted those eyes on him.  “Hell, you could probably use the calories more than I could.”

Shit.  Bucky didn’t want him _glaring_ like that.  

“I get plenty of fucking calories, and I don’t need any god damned food police on my ass.”

“Sorry.  I was just -- “ making the world’s stupidest attempt at flirting.  Dammit, that used to come so easy for him.  Something else he had left behind, sacrificed to his time in service.  “Didn’t want to eat alone.  Not if there was someone else around.  Wanna join me?”

Looking up through his eyelashes turned out to be far more effective than implying Steve was too skinny.  Which he definitely wasn’t.  Steve was short and slender, but looked like he’d be the perfect size to tuck under his arm, pull against his chest.   Bucky should have gone with the eyelash trick the first time.  It made Steve’s shoulders come down, and he even gave a hint of a smile.  “You’re inviting me to eat my own food?  Mighty generous of you.”

Bucky laughed, until one of the kittens sank its claws into his thigh in protest.  “Ow, jesus.”

“Hold still,” Steve said, and if Bucky had gotten the chance to imagine Steve’s hands in that particular area, it would not have gone like this.  Gently, Steve rubbed the kitten’s head with one hand and lifted its claws out of Bucky’s jeans with the other, while Bucky held very, very still.

“And you said they wouldn’t attack if I moved.”

“You were just surprised, weren’t ya little one?”  Steve lifted the kitten up and rubbed his nose against its forehead, which was possibly the sweetest thing Bucky had ever seen.  

“Nope.  I see it now, you’re some kind of thrill seeker, leading me into danger.”

“It’s just a little bit of peril,” said Steve, with another tiny smile.

“Did you -- Steve, was that a Monty Python reference?”

Suddenly there was a new contender for the sweetest thing Bucky had ever seen, when Steve turned all flustered and surprised.  “Well, kind of, but I wasn’t trying to -- “

Bucky never found out what Steve wasn’t trying to do.  The door to the kitten room silently slid open and Natasha stepped in, looking completely unimpressed.

“Steve, the dogs are going crazy.  I’m guessing you haven’t walked any of them yet.”

Steve flushed, which was cuter than it had any right to be, and started to get up, but Bucky pulled him back down.  

“You can’t disturb the kittens,” he said.  “That’s just mean.”

Natasha turned her glare to him.  “James, what are you even doing here?  Sam said you were going to stop by, but I didn’t think that meant you’d be breaking in and taking my volunteer hostage.”

Bucky looked around at the kittens, then looked back up at Natasha with a shrug.  “I live here now.”

“In my shelter?”

“Nah, right here.  In this room, with the kittens.”  And Steve, he carefully did not say.

She rolled her eyes.  “Fine.  Then you can clean the litterboxes.”

Bucky looked over to where they sat in the far corner and shrugged again.  “Eh, it’s still less of a shithole than my current apartment.  Bigger too, now that I think about it.”

Steve, who had been fighting to keep a straight face, finally lost it at that, laughing hard enough that he toppled sideways onto Bucky’s shoulder.  He could see Natasha tense up, because she knew how badly he usually reacted to unexpected physical contact, but this was...fine, actually.  Better than fine.  He could feel Steve’s hair on his neck, and it was almost as soft as the kittens were.  Bucky kind of wanted to sink his fingers into it, see if he could make Steve purr too.

Jesus.  His libido might not have come back from the war with the remaining pieces of him, but that apparently didn’t mean he didn’t want to get his hands on Steve any way he could.

“Whatever,” Natasha said with a sigh, wading in and scooping kittens off of both of them.  “But I have a shelter to run and we’re already behind schedule.  Steve, go walk the dogs, and please don’t die on me today, I don’t have time to deal with that kind of paperwork.  James, get scooping.”

Natasha had more paperwork to deal with than she really wanted to think about on the docket for today, three dogs to evaluate for further therapy training, and they were already an hour behind schedule thanks to their unexpected visitor, but that didn’t stop her from pulling out her phone as soon as she got to her desk.

Gossip took priority, after all.  Especially when the gossip was this good.

**Nat:**  You’re never going to guess what just happened

**Sam:**  You realized again how lucky you are to have a fine specimen of manhood like myself in your life?

**Nat:**  Thbbt.  No, I just found James in the kitten room

**Sam:**  WHAT?  How’d he even get in there before you?

**Nat:**  I don’t know how he got in, but it looked like he slept here

**Sam:**  Shit.  That doesn’t sound good

**Nat:**  Actually, he looked better than I’ve ever seen him  

**Nat:**  He even smiled

**Sam:**  REALLY?!?!?!?!

**Nat:**  I think he was trying to flirt with Steve.  It was kind of pathetic

**Sam:**  WHAT??????

**Sam:**  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Sam:**  ??????????????????????????

**Nat:**  He might even have a chance.  Steve almost walked into the door when James bent over to start scooping the litterboxes

**Sam:**  Wait

**Sam:**  Wait wait wait wait

**Sam:**  Bucky.  MY Bucky, the asshole I rescued on my last tour who barely bothers to brush his own teeth, much less shower or wash his clothes, is scooping litterboxes?  Bucky who doesn’t get out of bed most days?  

**Sam:**  Bucky who we check in on daily because we’re not sure he’d notice the passing of time otherwise?  THAT Bucky is scooping litterboxes???

**Sam:**  I’m not even going to touch the flirting thing, because I’m not sure I can process that rn

**Nat:**  I’m not going to turn down free labor

**Sam:**  I see your point, but I’m not really sure what to think of this

**Sam:**  Might not be healthy, you know?

**Sam:**  Maybe I should swing by and talk to him

**Nat:**  You’re not his therapist

**Sam:**  And thank god for that, but I am his friend

**Nat:**  If you stop by, at least wait until he’s finished scooping

**Nat:**  Or you’re going to be the one to finish it

**Sam:**  The romance is gone

**Sam:**  That’s it, I’m not sharing this pot of chili

**Sam:**  All these spices, the fresh tomatoes, those sauteed onions, simmering all day to create the perfect blend of flavors

**Sam:**  ALL MINE

**Nat:**  Noooooooooooooooo ILU

**Nat:**  AND your chili

 

* * *

Bucky did not throw his phone against the wall, though he supposed he shouldn’t be too proud of that.  The only reason he hadn’t was because he couldn’t quite reach it from where he had been sleeping.

The sun wasn’t even up yet.  What kind of idiot would set their alarm for 6 AM?

Oh, right, the kind who wanted to see Steve again.  

It might be pitiful, but at least it was a goal.  Goals were good, his therapist strongly approved when he set goals for himself.  Not that he’d be sharing this particular goal with her any time soon, because he still had his pride.  In theory, at least.  He rolled off the couch and shuffled to the bathroom.  One shower and a change of clothes later, he grabbed his jacket and headed for Natasha’s shelter.  His reason for not shaving was looking a lot sillier, because he was pretty sure that showing up twenty minutes before the shelter opened was going to make him look really fucking eager.  

He sighed and propped himself against the wall and spit some hair out of his mouth.  The wind was savage.  He felt around in his jacket pockets and was gratified to find an old hair tie.  He used the reflection in the shelter’s window to made a ponytail that hopefully didn’t look too absurd.

He was still checking to make sure it was straight when Steve walked up behind him.

“The shelter’s not -- Oh!  Bucky.  Hi!”

Bucky tried to ignore the little thrill he felt at Steve remembering his name.  Steve probably remembered the names of everybody he’d ever met.  He seemed like the type.  “Hey there, Steve.  I know you’re not open yet, but I was hoping I could come in before the crowds hit.  And I know you’ve got to walk the dogs, but maybe we could hang out?  With the kittens?”

Yes, with the kittens.  Way to show him you’re into him, idiot.  But Steve smiled, and the morning sun burnished his hair into gold, and his eyes were the most welcoming shade of blue, so Bucky couldn’t count it as a complete failure.

“Yea, I’ve got plenty of time for kittens,” Steve said, unlocking the door.  “Besides, you cleaned the litterboxes, so I kind of owe you.  The law of equivalent exchange and all that.”

Bucky’s eyes went wide.  “You know Full Metal Alchemist?  You are such a nerd.”

“You know it too,” Steve said, pulling himself up straight, ready for a fight.

“Yea, because I’m a much bigger nerd than you are.  Look, I’ve even got the metal arm, in case I want to cosplay as Edward Elric.  That’s dedication.”

It was a gamble, joking about the arm, but Bucky would rather know now if it was going to scare Steve off.  He pulled up his sleeve and showed off the shiny metal bands.

Steve gave a tiny smile and said, “I assumed it was a Star Wars thing, I just hadn’t narrowed down which character.  The black leather had me leaning toward Vader, though.”

Bucky laughed.  He pulled his collar up over his mouth and breathed as loudly as possible.  “Steve.  Come to the dark side.  We have kittens.”

“No!  That’s impossible!” Steve said, overacting to hilarious effect.  ”The kittens have good in them.  They’re innocent and pure.”

“Kittens are assholes.  Search your feelings, Steve, you know it to be true.”

Steve laughed so hard he tipped over sideways and bumped into Bucky’s shoulder.  “I’m not sure I should let you in there with them if you’re gonna talk about them like that.”

“It was a compliment!  Some of my favorite people are assholes.”  He tried to give Steve a very significant look, and it might have worked.

Steve blushed a little, but he didn’t back down a bit.  “Bucky, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

“Is that line from the prequels?  Because I don’t remember it from the original trilogy,” Bucky said innocently.

“It’s from Casablanca,” Steve said, obviously trying not to show that he was horrified.  

Bucky widened his eyes and batted his lashes and finally cracked a smile when Steve rolled his eyes.

“It’s no wonder you like assholes.  You absolutely are one,” Steve grumbled, not quite hiding a smile.

 

* * *

It became routine - Steve would show up to unlock the doors, and Bucky would be there waiting for him.  They’d play with the kittens together for a bit, before Steve walked the dogs.  Then Bucky started bringing bagels, so Steve started bringing coffee for them both.  It was almost like they were having breakfast dates, except for the part where they weren’t actually dating.  Bucky was pretty sure there’d be more kissing if they were.  A lot more kissing, if he had any say in the matter.

But it had been a week and no kissing had happened yet, Bucky thought sadly as he left the shelter and headed back home.  

Steve watched him until he turned the corner, then turned to Natasha with a bright grin.  “He seems so much happier than when he first showed up, the kittens are so good for him!”

Natasha just laughed.  “The kittens.  Yes, that’s definitely why he keeps coming back.”

 

* * *

“You know, it’s not that I mind the extra help, but now that Billy and Teddy are back from their honeymoon, you don’t need to be in here every morning, right?”  The look on Natasha’s face was far too knowing for Steve’s already-fragile temper that morning.  It would be nice if Billy and Teddy could be a little less completely and adorably in love around the terminally single.

“I know, Nat.  Billy and Teddy are perfect and wonderful paragons of virtue,” Steve responded, a little sharply.

Natasha’s eyes narrowed.  “You have some kind of problem with gay guys, Steve?  I wouldn’t have thought it of you, but --”

“What?  No!  I’ve got a problem with kids who are barely old enough to drink getting married when I -- No, I don’t have a problem with gay guys.  I’m bi.  Biromantic, actually.”

She settled back in her seat, looking satisfied.  “Good.  But the point stands, you don’t actually have to be here first thing every morning.”

“Oh.  Uh.  I mean, it makes walking the dogs a lot faster, though.”

“Mm hm.  And I’m sure James has nothing to do with it.”

“He’s here to see the kittens, Natasha.  Don’t make it weird for him.”

“It’s funny that you actually seem to believe that,” she said with a laugh.

 

* * *

Bucky went over to Sam’s for dinner on Sunday night, a couple of weeks after he first met Steve.  It was something they’d been doing ever since he moved back and reconnected with Sam, a routine that guaranteed he left his apartment for something other than just his medical appointments at least once a week, and also had some in-person social interactions, which made his therapist happy.

Until he (met Steve) started visiting the kittens, it was frequently his only social interaction.  Leaving his apartment was hard, and there just wasn’t much outside that made leaving the safe confines of his home worth the effort.

Sam set a perfectly grilled steak on the table in front of him.  “So Natasha says you’ve been at the shelter an awful lot lately.”

Bucky blushed, ducking his head to hide behind his hair.  “It’s the kittens, they’re just so cute.”

“Kittens, huh?  Like maybe a certain blonde kitten with big blue eyes?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Bucky said with dignity as he cut into his steak.

“That was almost convincing, you know?  It might even have convinced somebody who had never met you before.  Unfortunately for your dumb ass I am not that guy.”

Bucky pointedly shoved a too-big bite into his mouth and started chewing.

Sam sighed.  “I know you are not abusing that gorgeously cooked steak like that just to avoid this conversation.”

Bucky swallowed, then scrubbed at his face with one hand.  “Okay, yes, _maybe_ I like going there for more than just the kittens, and _maybe_ Steve is a part of that.  Maybe.”

“Steve, huh?  You’ve got a crush.”

“Shut _up_ , I’m not twelve!”

“Nah, seriously man, this is good.  I think this is the most alive I’ve seen you in a long time.  Happy is a good look on you.”

He changed the subject after that, turning to less sensitive subjects as they finished eating and put in a terrible movie.  It was halfway through when Sam turned to him again out of the blue and asked:  “So, when are you asking him out?”

The pillow Bucky threw at him did nothing to muffle Sam’s laughter.

 

* * *

“How the hell do I ask someone on a date?”  Steve flopped into a seat and cradled his mochaccino lovingly in his hands.  Foggy and Matt had finished their latest big case, so they finally had the chance to meet up again, something they usually did at least once a week.

Foggy raised an eyebrow at him.  “Hey Matt, wanna go out for coffee?”

“We are sitting in a coffee shop, with coffee.  Sooo, yes?” Matt said.

”No, it was just an example for Steve,” said Foggy.

“What do you mean, no?  Are you standing me up?  Are you cheating on me with Steve?  I’m so betrayed.”  Matt pouted dramatically and Foggy gave a soft laugh.

“See, that is exactly the problem,” said Steve.  “I have coffee with him every morning, and it’s not like a date.  I want it to be like a date.  And if I don’t cut back on the caffeine I might give myself a heart attack, but mostly the date thing.  What should I say?”

“Have you considered just telling him how you feel?” Matt asked.

Steve blew out a breath.  “Like, ‘Hey, hanging out with you has been great.  You’re funny and sweet and even though I’m not super into the idea of sitting on your dick I really kind of want to marry you and spend the rest of our lives together, but we should probably go on at least one date first.’  Like that?  Because that seems like a terrible idea.”

Foggy laughed and took away Steve’s coffee.  “Okay.  Let’s call that plan B, and come up with something a little less intense for plan A.”

“But less intense isn’t working,” Steve said, swiping his drink back.  “I mean, it’s been terrific.  We talked about Lord of the Rings.  He likes all the right Star Trek movies, and none of the wrong Star Wars movies.  And oh man, look ...”  He pulled out his phone and found a picture of Bucky.  He had far too many of them, each one with a kitten in the foreground.  He shoved it over to Foggy.

“Oh.  You are in so much trouble.” 

“Yea?” Matt said.

“Totally ripped, slightly scruffy, eyes like the sea after a storm,” Foggy said.

“Oh.” 

“Oh is right.  Jeez, Steve, this guy has lips made for sin.”

“Foggy, give me my phone back.  This is serious.  I want to curl up on the couch and watch movies with him.  I want to cook dinner together.  I want to hold his hand and walk around the Farmer’s Market together, and I’ve never even been to the Farmer’s Market.  I _like_ him.”  

Matt shrugged.  “You could just ask him to go to the Farmer’s Market.”

“The holding hands part was important.”

“So, ask him to hold your hand?”

Steve thought back to the time when they both started to pet the same kitten, and their fingers touched and he’d almost gasped out loud.  “God, I’m going to embarrass myself.”

Foggy slapped him on the shoulder.  “I believe in you, Steve.  You _are_ going to embarrass yourself.”  

Steve shoved him, and Foggy just laughed.  “But!  This guy will be completely charmed by it.  Seriously, there’s nothing sweeter than knowing that someone was willing to put their ego aside and look silly just for you.  He should be flattered.  And if he’s not, then he’s not right for you anyway.”

“That’s kinda what I’m afraid of.  I want him to be right, but it’s not like I’ve had much luck in the past.  It’s like everybody I’ve tried to date wanted to fix me, but I’m not broken, I’m just not that interested in sex.”

Matt scowled.  “Wait, does this guy make you feel like that, because -- “

“Bucky?  No.  Not a bit.  He doesn’t even do that thing, where a guy will keep touching and touching until you’re forced to move away or tell him to stop or punch him in the face.”  The punching thing had only happened once, but it had been horrible.  “He doesn’t make gross innuendos or push my boundaries or anything.  He’s gentlemanly, it’s fantastic.  But maybe that just means he’s not at all interested in me.”

“Or, maybe it means he’s perfect for you,” said Foggy. 

Steve sighed, because he knew exactly how unlikely that was.

 

* * *

As excuses went, Bucky was kind of proud of this one.  

“Go right ahead, I’m not going to turn down free labor,” Natasha said when he offered to set up a better website for the shelter.  “I suppose you’re going to need one of my volunteers to help you with the pictures, too.”  Amusement colored her tone, warm but undeniable.

“Well, we need to get pictures of all the cats up there, with profiles so people can check them out, and Steve is a pretty good photographer…”

“Uh huh.  What an amazing coincidence, you coming up with an idea that just happens to let you spend more time with your crush.”

“I hate you.”  Bucky could feel himself blushing, heat rising in his face.  He couldn’t deny the bit about the crush, though, he was self-aware enough for that at least.

“Whatever,” she said with a small wave of her hand.  “Feel free to continue awkwardly flirting while you fix my website.”

Unfortunately, while it gave him the excuse to hang out with Steve more frequently, it also gave him an excuse to put off actually asking Steve out.  Despite his best efforts at sending every signal he could manage, Steve did not seem to be getting the message that Bucky was even interested.  Maybe he needed to try semaphore flags, or morse code.

Bucky used to be good at this.  At least he used to be good at hooking up, which was clearly not the same thing at all, not where Steve was concerned.  Bucky had tried licking his lips, throwing smoldering looks Steve’s way, brushing their fingers together, and while Steve seemed to notice, he wasn’t exactly crawling into Bucky’s lap.  Even if he did, what was Bucky going to be able to do about it, other than disappoint him?  

But it was worse than that.  Sure, if by some miracle the stars all aligned and Bucky’s body and brain decided to cooperate, sex with Steve would be the first thing he’d want.  (The second would be a peanut butter banana milkshake.  For whatever reason, they made him queasy these days, and he missed the simple pleasure of them.)  

What he really wanted with Steve was ... Hell, he didn’t even know.  He didn’t know where they were supposed to be going or how to get there, but he wanted to find out.   When he was with Steve he never felt broken, despite the nightmares, despite the panic attacks, despite the days where every sound or movement seemed to grate against his nerves leaving him hyperaware and wanting nothing more than to hide in his apartment and never leave.  None of that went away, but it seemed so much less consuming when Steve was around.

Most of all he wanted to not fuck up and chase Steve off. 

It took them three days to get pictures of all the kittens.  That just left the dogs and the adult cats, and the dogs were not a safe option.

Shit.  Why hadn’t he dragged this out longer?

“We have to get pictures of all the adult cats too,” Bucky said, feeling pleased that he managed to keep all traces of desperation out of his voice.

Steve nodded.  “Oh, well that makes sense.  We probably should have started with them, the kittens don’t really need help getting adopted.”

“Yea.  Yea, and maybe we should work up little personality profiles for them too, to put up on the website?  Something to catch people’s eyes, make them more likely to check out the older cats.”

“Bucky, that’s brilliant!”  The grin on Steve’s face was bright and warm and made Bucky feel like a small sun had kindled in his chest.

He ducked his head, feeling shy.  “Yea, you think so?”

“I really, really do.  We might need Natasha’s help with Kit Furry, though.”

Bucky frowned.  “Who’s Kit Furry?”

“You know the one-eyed cat who hisses at everybody?”

“The big black one that hangs out in Natasha’s office?”

Steve nodded.  “That’s the one.  He hates everybody but her.  She said he reminds her of her old boss.”

“You know, I’m not sure I even want to know,” Bucky said with a laugh.

 

* * *

“Steve,” Bucky said as he let himself into Sam’s apartment without so much as a knock, “is just like the kittens.”

“Does Steve believe in knocking on doors?  Because I’m pretty sure that’s a thing that people usually do before barging their way into other people’s houses,” Sam said from the couch.  “What if I was naked?”

“Then I’d enjoy the view and lament what could have been,” Bucky responded.

Sam laughed in response.  “Like you could handle any of this action.”

“He’s so prickly,” Bucky continued with an expansive gesture of his arm.  “Like the kittens, with their little razor claws.  He doesn’t take shit from anybody, and it’s the greatest thing.”

“Uh huh,” Sam said with a grin.  “You sure things could work between you two?  Because you’re definitely full of shit.”

“I  _ know _ , and he doesn’t stand for any of it!  It’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.  I can’t imagine what he’d get into if his body actually matched his attitude.  He’d probably try to wrestle a tank.”

“I’m not sure he’d let physical limitations stop him if he really wanted to do something.”

Bucky lingered over that for a second.  “I’ve always wanted to be a tank.”

Sam laughed, hard enough that that he toppled over onto his side.  “This is the greatest thing ever, I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to get a front-row ticket to your hilarious pining.  Have you actually said anything to him yet?”

Bucky frowned.  “No.  No to all of that.  I’m not hilarious, I’m not pining, and I definitely haven’t told him that I’m pining. I’d just wreck everything and run away.”

“So instead you’re just going to bust into my house and wax rhapsodical to me about how your boy is just like a box of kittens?  Is that really what’s going to make you happy long-term?”

“Sam, I don’t even know what makes me happy right now, much less long term.”

“Steve seems to make you pretty happy,” Sam responded, eyes warm.

“Yea, maybe.  But that’s why I can’t say anything.  He’s the best person I’ve ever known, and I want to stay friends with him, so that’s what I’m doing.  I can’t scare him away, not when I’ve finally got something that gets me out of bed in the morning, Sam.  I can’t lose that.”

“If he’s half the man you seem to think he is than nothing you do is going to scare him away, Buck,” Sam responded, too knowingly by far for Bucky’s taste.

  
  


* * *

“Hold the door!” said Natasha’s voice behind them.  Bucky flinched before he realized it was her, but he recovered.  He hadn’t finished following Steve inside, so he stepped back and let her through.  Natasha and the woman with her each had a pet carrier in their hands, and the tiny meows made it obvious what was inside.

“How many?” Steve asked, peering at the boxes.

“Five,” Natasha said.

The other lady, who was wearing scrubs with little cartoon puppies all over them, said, “Hi Steve, and Steve’s friend.”

“Bucky,” said Steve, with a smile that warmed Bucky all the way through.  “This is Claire, our veterinarian.”

“Hi,” said Bucky.  He even managed a smile.  A tight, fake, horrible smile, and only because Steve was with him, but any smile was an accomplishment when he was suddenly forced into talking to a stranger.

Claire turned all mischievous and said, “Fresh meat.  That means you have to name them.”

“Oh.  Uh.  They can be Dori, Ori, Nori and Kili and Fili,” said Bucky.  He could feel his blood rushing in his ears, the first edges of panic starting to creep up on him.

Natasha was already shaking her head.  “They’re girl kittens.”

“For all we know, Kili and Fili were lady dwarves,” Bucky reasoned, surreptitiously wiping his palms on his jeans.

“We did Lord of the Rings last month,” she said.  “Besides, that doesn’t even come close to counting as female characters.”

“Is there some rule that they have to be science fiction characters?” Claire asked Natasha.  

Natasha grimaced.  “Lord of the Rings isn’t science fiction, it’s fantasy.”

“Whatever,” said Claire.  “Is it a rule?  Because you could go with Jane, Elizabeth, Mary -- Oh hell, I guess you can’t have a kitten named Kitty.”

“You said it was Bucky’s turn, anyway,” said Steve.  

But then he caught Bucky’s eye, and there was no hiding from Steve.  Bucky chewed his lip and shrugged, trying to keep himself together despite having the full attention of three separate people on him.  Steve gave Natasha a look. 

Natasha turned to Claire and said, “They seem to have the kittens under control.  Can you come check out Barbas?  He’s been favoring his front paw.”

“Sure, no problem.  See ya, guys.”  Claire waved and followed Natasha into the kennel area.

Bucky didn’t quite sigh with relief when the door swung closed again.  He gestured at the boxes.  “Are they good to go into the kitten room now?”

“Yea.  C’mon.”

Once they got there, Bucky set down his box and sank into a corner.  He was immediately swarmed with little fuzzballs, which had been his goal.  Steve opened the pet carriers and let the new kittens wander out at their own pace.

“They’re all microchipped, so we’ll be able to keep track of which one’s which,” he explained, even though Bucky hadn’t thought to ask.

“So I guess Sailor Moon doesn’t work so well for names,” Bucky said, just to have something to say.  

Steve shook his head and smiled.

“How about Buffy, Willow, Tara, Dawn, and Anya?”

“After what they did to Tara?” Steve said, covering the ears of one of the kittens.  He covered another kitten’s ears and added, “And Anya?  I’m not really happy with Whedon, they deserved better.”

Bucky chuckled a little.  That was Steve all over.  

A sleek orange kitten was shimmying up Steve’s sleeve.  He caught it and lifted it to his face.  “Besides, I think maybe this one wants to be Calcifer.”

“Who?”

Steve’s eyes went wide.  “You haven’t seen Howl’s Moving Castle?”

“Is that Miyazaki?  It’s never on Netflix, so I haven’t gotten around to it.”

“I’ve got the dvd at home.  You want to come over and watch it?  It’s really great.”

Bucky looked up, and Steve was smiling, so sweet and open and _tempting_ , and that was not something Bucky could handle right now.  “I, uh, maybe.  Or, I could borrow the disc or something.  Someday.  You know, I should probably get going.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He scooped all the kittens off his lap as fast as he dared, and practically ran for the door.

 

* * *

Steve knew that Natasha would notice that he was walking dogs again.  Billy and Teddy were already in the kennel area, flirting with each other even though they were married now, so Steve didn’t have a good excuse.  It was theoretically possible she’d let it slide though.

“Steve?  Did Bucky already leave?” Natasha asked.

So no, not even theoretically possible.  Steve didn’t look up from the fluffy Pyrenees mix he’d been about to take outside.  “Yea.  I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.  He was already on the verge of panicking, why did I go and pick that moment to ask him out?”

“Okay, first of all, you need to get away from Appa.  I don’t want you triggering your allergies as some kind of penance.”

Steve glared at her, mostly because she was probably right.  She glared right back, in that amused way of hers, and Steve gave up.  He handed her the leash and stalked out into the lobby.

“Secondly,” she said, right on his heels, “the timing might not have been the best, but I’m glad one of you finally made a move.”

“Except now he’s going to think I tried to proposition him.  Why couldn’t I just stick to the plan?  Why can’t I ever stick to the fucking plan?”  Steve flopped onto one of the benches in the little waiting area. 

Natasha sat with him and patted his shoulder.  “What was the plan?”

“I was supposed to ask him to meet up for a date at the library.”

The patting slowed dramatically, and Natasha gave a questioning look.

Steve shrugged.  “It was going to be the Farmer’s Market, but I checked it out and I thought he’d be more comfortable somewhere quieter and less crowded.  If you go out to dinner, then sometimes you get stuck waiting for the check when somebody wants to leave.  This way nobody feels trapped or pressured.”

“I really hate how many reasons you’ve had for thinking about that kind of thing,” Natasha said.

“You know, if I could be with him, I wouldn’t even regret all the shitty break ups and horrible dates that happened before.  If all that led to having him, then it’d be worth it.”

She pulled him into a hug.  “I hope it does.”

“If it doesn’t, could you ... Make sure he can still see the kittens, okay?  They really help him a lot, I don’t want him to lose that, no matter what happens with me.”

“You help him a lot, too.  He’s smart enough to see that you’re worth sticking around for.”

“Yea, sure I am.  That’s why he ran out the door.”

“That’s how it’s going to be with him, Steve.  It’s not always about you, and you need to learn to not take it to heart.  Bucky’s improved a lot recently, but sometimes shit happens and he needs to process.  If you want to date him, seriously date him, then you need to be prepared for the mood swings, and the bad days, and the panic attacks.  He’s working on getting better, but this sort of trauma isn’t the sort of thing that goes away.”

“Yea, I know.  I’ve seen the vets who come for the service animals you train.”

“Seeing it from a distance, and living it with someone you care about are two very different things, Steve.”  Natasha closed her eyes and took a breath.  “You know I don’t talk about this stuff much, but Sam and I both went through some shit when we were in, and we didn’t come back the same.  I’ve had more time to adjust, but Sam hasn’t been out for much longer than James has.  He still has nightmares and panic attacks, can’t sit with his back to a door.  Healing is a process, and it’s a long one.”

“Bucky’s not broken,” Steve shot back sharply.

“No, of course he isn’t.  But I don’t want to see either of you hurt any more than you already have been.  I think you two could be good together, but you need to know what you’re getting into, so neither of you end up hurt worse.”

Steve covered his face with his hands.  “I don’t want to hurt him.  That’s the last thing I want.”

“Trust me,” she said with a small laugh, “he knows that.  And he’ll be back.  You’re the reason he’ll be back.”

“I really, really hope you’re right.”

 

* * *

“I fucked everything up.”

“Where are you?” Sam asked, with that calm intensity he always got during a crisis.  Bucky would know, he’d caused Sam plenty of them.

“Nobody’s injured or anything.  I’m at the coffee place, near the shelter.”

Even over the phone, Sam’s relief was palpable.  “Should I ask Natasha to go over there?”

“No.  God no.  Fuck, Steve probably already told her what happened.”

“What did happen?”

“He asked me to come to his place to watch a movie, and -- “  Bucky slumped over the little cafe table.  “I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him a lot.  And I can’t, because he’s going to want more, he deserves more, and I can’t give him that, not like I used to.”

“Look, Steve is a great guy -- “

Bucky interrupted him.  “And if I hurt him you’ll kick my ass and never speak to me again.  I know, I know.”

“Clearly you don’t know, because that wasn’t what I was saying,” Sam said, annoyance plain in his voice.  “If things go south between you and Steve, I’ll do whatever I can to help you out.  I’ll bring over ice cream and we can braid each other’s hair or whatever.  Because you’re my friend, Bucky.  I’d be there for you, if that happened.  But that doesn’t have to happen.”

Bucky took a moment to remind himself that probably nobody deserved a friend as good as Sam.  Well, Steve did, but nobody else.  His voice was a little thick as he said, “If you wanted me to braid your hair, you should have started growing it out a long time ago.”

Sam chuckled.  “Look, Steve’s tough, he can handle a lot.  He can handle _you_.  But only if you give him the chance.  Tell him what’s going on.  Tell him how you feel.”

“There has to be an easier way.  Like, maybe I could cut off my other arm, instead.”

“Christ, Barnes, just use your damned words.  ‘Cause you think you’re keeping him from saying no, but you’re also not letting him say yes.”

Shit.  _Shit._   “You’re right.  I know.  God, he’s so good, you know?  He never treats me like I’m fragile, or like I’m dangerous.  Like I’m broken glass or something.”

“So maybe show him the same respect, hey?  Because I don’t think he’s too fragile to be able to handle you hitting on him, and I don’t think he’s the kind of asshole who’d be careless with your feelings.”

Bucky sighed.  “I fucking hate it when you’re right.”

 

* * *

It took him a few days to work up the nerve, days spent making lists of pros and cons and a few emergency Skype sessions to his therapist, but he finally ran out of excuses when he walked in one morning to see Steve cuddling one of the new kittens.  It was all he could do to stop himself from pulling the little calico away from Steve’s neck and replacing it with his lips.

“So,” Bucky said, feeling more awkward than he ever had before.  “Someone told me I should pretend to be a functional adult and use my words.”

“Yea?” Steve huffed out a laugh.  “That sounds like it might be good advice, but I also feel like I need some context.”

“Context, huh?  Okay then.”  Bucky took a deep breath, steeling himself.  “See, there’s this guy I met, right?  And he’s...god, Stevie, he’s perfect.  Funny, smart as hell, absolutely gorgeous.”

“Yea?”  Steve tucked his shoulders in like he was bracing for a blow.  “Sounds pretty terrific.  Anyone I know?”

“You could say that.  See, he’s insanely talented, and worlds out of my league, you know?  And I really, really, really want to ask him out on a date.”

Steve frowned a little.  “I don’t think there’s anyone out of your league, Buck.  You’re kind of a catch.”

“I’m really, really not,” Bucky said with a little laugh.  “I’m a mess, Steve.  I can’t sleep, sometimes I get so angry at absolutely nothing that I scare myself, I buy my groceries at two in the morning because there aren’t as many people at the store, and.  Um.  There are...other problems.  Problems that might make dating complicated?”

“Buck, anybody who’s worth your time isn’t going to be put off by any of that.”

“It’s not just -- Jesus.”  Bucky buried his hands in his pockets and looked at the floor.  “I can’t, ya know, _perform_ so much anymore.  It’s not -- ever since, with the arm and the shit in my head and everything, just, sometimes I can’t.  Or I don’t even really want to?  So that’s kind of a thing.  Not that there’s been anyone else I’ve wanted to date since everything, but...yea...”

Man, it would have been great if a crater had just opened up into the bowels of hell right that second, so Bucky could dive in headfirst.  Against his better judgement, he glanced up, and Steve didn’t seem completely horrified by him, so there was that.

“Look, I think you should just go for it,” Steve said, but his expression was strange.  Bucky would have said it was almost sad if he didn’t know better.  “You deserve to be happy.”

“Yea?  I’ve had lots of people telling me that, but I’m only just starting to believe it.”

“I’ll keep telling you until you really believe it.  You might not know this about me, but I’m kind of stubborn,” Steve said with a small smile.

Bucky laughed, loud and bright.  “So what do you say, Steve?  You gonna put me out of my misery here?”

“What are you talking about?”  

“You.  Me.  A real date, someplace without kitty litter.”  Steve looked like he had frozen solid, expressionless.  Bucky shuffled one foot as his anxiety rose.  “I mean, you don’t have to, we could just go do something as friends if you wanted instead but…”

“ME?!”  Steve had gone pale, eyes wide.  “Wait, you were talking about me?”

“Yea, of course I was talking about you, dumbass.  Who else?”

“I thought maybe you had met someone out somewhere, like at a bar or something.”  

“It’s just you, Steve,” Bucky said, eyes gentle.  “You can let me down easy if you want to, I’m not going to be a dick about it.”

“It’s not that,” Steve said.  “I want to date you, so much!  It’s just...there’s something I haven’t told you.”

Bucky frowned.  “You’re not actually married, are you?  Because I’m not really up for infidelity.  OW!”  He rubbed his shoulder where Steve had punched it.

“Of course not!  Jerk.  It’s just...I haven’t had much luck with dating in the past, because people seem to expect me to feel things that I just don’t feel.”

“Steve,” Bucky said gently.  “I’m not trying to rush you into anything.  I was thinking along the lines of having dinner together, not getting matching tattoos to show my undying devotion to you.”  Oh christ, that was probably not very reassuring.  “We can take as long as we want to figure out how we feel.  Figure out if we like each other that way.”  

“I do like you, though.  I think I could love you really easily.  I’m just not sexually attracted to you.”

Love?  Did Steve just -- Love?  Bucky flailed for some kind of reply.  “I wouldn’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.  If you don’t want to date me, if you just want to stay friends, we can do that too.  You make things better just by being you, and I don’t want to lose that.”  

“No!”  Steve was clearly frustrated, running one hand through his hair and leaving it in disarray.  “I do want to date you!  A lot.  But I’m asexual.  Sex is just...not my thing.”

Bucky frowned.  “So if I want to date you, and you want to date me, I don’t really see the problem here.  Especially given, you know,” he said with a vague wave of his hand. 

Steve smiled a little.  “I told you I haven’t had much luck with dating in the past, right?  It’s like...okay, so I once went on a couple of dates with this guy, Steven.”

“Steve dating Steven?  Because that’s not at all weird.”

“If it makes you feel any better his last name was literally Strange.  You can stop laughing at any time.  But Steven was super into baseball.  Like, _super_ into it.  He watched all the games, knew all the stats for the last fifty years, could calculate batting averages in his head.  I like baseball, sure, it’s kind of fun, but when I go to an actual game what’s happening on the field is only a part of the reason I’m there.  I’m there to spend time with people I like, enjoy the weather, eat some horrible ballpark food, you know?  And sometimes there are fireworks and that’s fun too.”

“So I’m guessing that baseball isn’t just baseball in this story, right?”

“Oh, there was baseball.  So much baseball you would not even believe it, but metaphorical-baseball was an issue too.  So it was cool to go to a game with him sometimes, but I didn’t get the same thing out of it that he did, and I wasn’t nearly as invested in it as he was, and I wouldn’t want to go to baseball games all the time, not when there are other things I like to do more.”

Bucky nodded.  “I can work with that.”

“And this has been a huge thing for the people I’ve dated in the past.   I’m not ever going to be the one to invite you to a baseball game.  It’s just not something I’m going to think to do.  And it’s not because I don’t like you, or don’t want to spend time with you, or anything like that, it’s just because I’m not wired to think about baseball the same way most people are.”

“I think you might be losing your metaphor there,” Bucky said with a grin.

Steve scowled, but there wasn’t much heat behind it.  “Don’t mock me when I’m making myself vulnerable here.”

“I’m not, I promise,” Bucky said, expression soft.  “Okay, but ... I don’t want season tickets or anything, like I said before, but even just a couple of innings would be really nice sometimes.  But the last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable.”

Steve shrugged.  “You can just ask, we’ll figure it out.”

“Just ask, like it didn’t take me three weeks just to invite you to dinner?”

“Trust me, I’ve been through this before, and the first conversation is always the hardest.  Well.  And the last,” Steve said with a small, significant look.

Bucky reached out with his hand and brushed it gently across Steve’s cheek.  “That’s not what this is.”

Steve sighed and leaned into the touch.  “Good.  In that case, I hear that communication is this thing that adult people use when they want to tell each other things.”

Bucky laughed.  “Smartass.  That sounds too easy though.”

“As long as you don’t get upset if I say no, and as long as you let me know if you’re not happy with how things are going.  I mean, if you want we can go get you a special jersey or something.  Number Sixty-Nine is entering the field!”

“Oh my god you are such an asshole, why do I even like you again?”

“Because I bring you coffee?”

“Because you’re smart and funny and cool and gorgeous, you big nerd.  Hey, uh, what about kissing?  Is that something you’d want, or --”

“Yes!”  Steve almost shouted in his enthusiasm.  “God yes, all the kisses, anytime, anywhere.”

Bucky laughed.  “Okay, that’s good news.”

“I want to touch you, and I want you to touch me.  We can make out on the couch, and cuddle together while we watch movies, and hold hands.”

Bucky blinked for a second, absorbing the sight of Steve squaring his shoulders and blushing. “So basically, all the good stuff, but not so much the sloppy parts?”

“We can do things that lead to orgasms too, just maybe not all the time.”

“Wow Steve, I haven’t even bought you dinner yet.”

“You are such a jerk.”

“I know.”  Bucky grinned, and Steve grinned back like the fucking miracle that he was, so of course Bucky had to ruin it.  “Holding hands is ... I only have the one, really, and I can’t ... I can’t have it be trapped like that.  It’s not -- “

“It doesn’t have to be holding hands.  Is there something that does work for you?”  

Bucky would damn well find something that worked.  Steve’s face was more worried than hopeful now, and that wasn’t acceptable.  “I haven’t really had much of an opportunity to figure it out, you know?  You’re the only person I’ve been interested in getting closer to since I got back.”

Steve gave a shy smile.

That was a much better expression, Bucky thought with satisfaction.  “Hey, you said to just ask, so can I kiss you?”

“Right now?”

“Well,” Bucky said with a grin, “You did say anytime or anywhere.”.

“I guess I did,” Steve said, leaning closer to Bucky.

“Well then,” Bucky responded with a gleam in his eyes.  “Maybe we should get started on that, then.” 

 


End file.
